Believing can seem a futile exercise when the Evil One deals a crushing blow.
BEFORE……WALKING IN JESUS’ LIGHT and BLESSING: A DAILY SOURCE OF WONDER
I had just been married, for the second time. At the age of 50, it had seemed that the promises of my good God had permeated all, and I was truly and finally living! Having survived 5 decades of desperate loneliness and cycles of inevitable despair, my heart and life were full of every blessing. Peace and joy surrounded my days and nights, through the selfless love of my prayerful,Godly husband, our tranquil home, and the bright future in retirement that dominated our conversation. My life partner and I had a marvelous vision of serving the Lord, together from the seat of our Harley Davidson, of testifying to the life-giving power of Jesus and His Word, and of either growing old together or holding hands as we were taken to be with the Lord at His soon return. No matter the other details, we agreed that it would always be done together. The Lord Jesus, my husband, and me…..the threefold cord not easily broken!
SHIPWRECKED ON A STARK ISLAND OF SHADOWS
Only five years later, (two months ago on our current calendar), the enemy had stolen the very core of what had given me that joy; the husband I had patiently waited 50 years for went to be with the Lord in heaven, even as he and I stood in faith.
“By His stripes you were healed.” (1 Peter 2:24)
Fully convinced of the truth of the healing promises of the Word of God, we had confidence that His mercy, through our faith, would completely deliver my husband from the tumors revealed by the doctor. That horrible day, as BEFORE turned into the rest of my story, I looked at his lifeless body, which just hours before, though weakened, had been full of praise and confidence. With the terrifying roar of an impending tsunami, darkness chased me down as a vengeful enemy.
Cancer now seemed the victor, and I the looser. Separated by the chasm of different dimensions, was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my protector, and my provider, my intercessor. I doubted my ability to believe my God, or His Word and so I became the walking soul-dead, begging my merciful Father God to release me from my body, as it tenaciously held me captive to this earthly realm.
Feeling utterly abandoned, I questioned the core of my life: faith in Jesus’ saving grace and His precious promises. I did NOT doubt the goodness of God or the truth of His Word, only my part in believing. Mourning consumed every moment; darkness pressed into every inch of my soul, seeming to even threaten my spirit that had been long ago born-again of the Spirit of God.
WORKING OUT MY SALVATION WITH FEAR AND TREMBLING
Jesus’ quiet voice spoke into the chaos of my mind, “Trust in me with all your heart. Don’t lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Me .and I WILL direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5,6
Truth be told, where else could I run, and who else would I sanely turn to? In the end and above all else, He is Most High God and worthy of my praise and my life. That was a place to restart .
Reaffirming Jesus’ Lordship and trusting that my ears truly hear His voice alone, is an ongoing journey. Having heard again, His call, I can but answer, “I will.”.
NOW….WHO AM I?
Seeking the Father’s vision for this solitary ‘me’, is a mission that I often lack the will to endure, but He really does hold the sole future of any value. The only thing I know for certain is that I must not doubt His goodness and purpose, so that I do not fail to have hope in my own salvation and my eventual homecoming. I will be stepping up, both.to my beloved husband who is expecting me at the portal when I set aside my own clay shell…. and to my Lord in the throne room of His Kingdom. Herein is the only source of true joy I can currently, honestly feel. But….people say it gets easier. ???
Seeking My Purpose
2 Corinthians 1:4 For he gives us comfort in our trials so that we in turn may be able to give the same sort of strong sympathy to others in theirs. Phillips
Can I dare to reach out to others who feel they walk alone….who fear that faith and commitment have yielded nothing of value? Can the Holy Spirit use me to comfort others with the comfort with which Jesus has comforted me? Can He use even this blog, to bring together the hurting with those who exhort? Is it possible that sharing will help to pave the new road that now stretches in shadow, in front of me? I humbly pray that it can be so.
Maranatha! Come soon, Lord Jesus!
AniLo (I am His)